+Leave me with the picture book, and all the things that never were.+ [entries|friends|calendar] sarah-melissa [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Been a while... [Thursday August 30th, 2007 at 1:31am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Sigur Rós - Svefn-g-englar ] It seems as if it has been years since i last posted something.  Life doesn't change. It doesn't get better, and it doesn't get worse. Life seems to go in some sort of viscious cycle. Nothing has changed that, and I don't think anything can anymore.  You can say it's not a big deal, but in the end, it's all I've got. Maybe you'll realise what you missed out on, but i'm sure your immaturity will mask that for you, atleast for a while. So here's to hoping you come to terms with yourself. Life isn't as shitty as you make yours out to be.  And in the end, heres to giving me a chance. DOLLFACE

one year ago today my mother passed away. [Wednesday May 3rd, 2006 at 12:50am] it's been One year ago today, we said goodbye one last time, and your words still ring in my ear. Those sweet sweet "grow up good, make me proud" phrases came out so fluidly you'd think you practiced. You knew exactly what to say, but when I'd ask you why you were sick, no explanation could be heard. I was selfish. Mad at you for being sick. Why could you not get better? I hated those doctors with a passion like no other. Why can't they save you? You seemed fine, yet every test came back worse. You'd be leaving me soon, but how long? How much time do i have with my own mother? Many have a whole lifetime. Prom is coming up. Who will be there to see me? who will be there to say "enjoy yourself, you look so beautiful". Who will be there to fix my hair, to fix my dress, to fix that one smudge of eyeliner. Who is going to wish me luck on my wedding day? Who's going to be there to see my first born, and say how much it looked like I did when i came out. I had so many questions about the future that i needed answered. One year ago today, i was getting my hair done, to impress you. (i did everything to impress you.) On my way from the salon, he called, said i was too late, scorned me for not coming. Lies, i thought to myself. I walked into the building, that familiar smell flowed through me. my veins pumping faster and faster. It was so quiet. A hush of beeping monitors could be heard ever so fairly. They were not yours. yours stopped beeping 5 minutes earlier. Walking without looking where I'm going, i know where you are. 6th floor. end of the hall. I walk out of the elevator. Grandma is there. No one talks to me. I walk down to you. I open your door, and dad, robin and tanis are there. I walk in, sit down, then look at you. Your muscles are clenched, mouth open, eyes closed. You're wearing the earrings robin gave you for christmas. Your body had shrunken so much, they looked unproportional. everything looked un proportional. Everyone is looking at me. What is she going to do, they must be thinking. you're not moving, why. I need you forever. I scream out for you, falling to the floor. Where are you? Come back! Someone help her. no one does anything. I start crying.Tanis cannot handle it and leaves. "This isn't happening" i say outloud. no one answers me. your medical bracelet is still on your arm. We don't have much time with you. Robin takes your earrings, and hands them to me. I don't want them, they are yours. I start to get light headed. I need some air. I open the door to go outside, and Uncle larry grabs me and hugs me. "you don't deserve this, why do you have to deal with this, you're too young". She was too young. Dad wants to leave. I want to stay with you forever. Sleep in your arms. I hug you, and the warmth is gone. Whered you go? The nurse comes in, hugs me. "do you want anything she has with her?" she asks me. I want her. I want to take her home, and make her better. I want to take her illness. and give it to myself. I am much stronger than her, and I can beat it. " her medical bracelet" i say. She goes to cut it, and dad steps up. " you dont need that". She hands it to me. I kiss you on the forehead. We're leaving. I could stay there forever. I wanted to tell you about my day. I wanted you to see my hair. I wanted you to see me. open your eyes, and hold me again. Dads ready to go. Dad wants you cremated. I want you alive. It's never been the same since that day in may. (13) DOLLFACE

Promise- Matchbook Romance [Wednesday January 5th, 2005 at 1:04pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | matchbook romance-promise ] what would you say if i asked you not to go to forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me would you take my hand and never let me go promise me you'll never let me go and the stars aren't out tonight, but neither are we to look up at them why does hello feel like goodbye? these memories can't replace, these wishes i wished and these dreams i chased take this broken heart and make it right i feel like i lost everything when you're gone left remembering what it's like to have you here with me i thought you should know, you're not making this easy i never thought i'd be the one to say please don't, please don't leave me DOLLFACE

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